I was almost caught by the police..............the Stupidity Police.
Yes, that was a lame joke, but goddamn was I stupid today. I woke up 8:30, ate breakfast (some awesome peanut butter since the bread was toasted to perfection), played some Killer 7 (demented game), played some Counter Strike Source, ate this okay pizza (crust was dominated by cheddar or some american cheeze), slept for about 15 minutes, THEN started on my project. By then it was already 2:30pm. Talk about being a bum. Well, I am a bum and a really lazy one at that.
Class went by pretty fast today. I purposely skipped my group meeting so that I would work on my project that was due hours ago. It wouldn't matter if I went, because we are still clueless on what to do.
Dammit, why am I such a procrastinator? If I wasn't maybe I wouldn't be taking summer school. I always let the distractions around me get in the way. Videogames, downloading crapload upon crapload of movies and games, watching the movies I download, posting in forums and reading for hours. Basically doing everything except homework. I swear, this time, I FUCKING swear to not get into any distractions. No more thinking about women and how hot they look, no more browsing on videogames I don't plan to get, no more downloading pointless junk. NO MORE!
Yet, I seriously doubt that I will ever stop. It's like a freaking addiction. Procrastination is like a drug that is hard to let go. I don't like the rush, but I can't help myself from doing it. Dammit. I wish I could focus on the task at hand. DAMMIT!!!
I know that God can't help me. I find it pointless to see if God can help me. God can't help me if I'm supposed to make decisions on my own. I hate it when people tell me to do stuff. Do this, do that. I think, "FUCK YOU" and I do it. I know I have to stop on my own. I just need something that eases the pain, more like go into detox, but instead of drugs, its procrastination. I see so many successful people that don't procrastinate and they go own to accomplish great stuff. But for some reason I can't push myself in that direction. But this time, oh this time, it will be different. I just need to stop my fixation on videogames. Can you believe I spent $50 on subscriptions to video game sites? Just to view the sites without banners or ads, to get exclusive content that I don't need, and to just fucking read and watch video games. I know that I can't demolish video games all together. It is what makes me who I am, but on some days, I wonder what would life be like without videogames. Freedom I guess. I'm just so hypnotized by the remarkable gameplay or homebrew stuff. I just hate it when a new game comes by. My brain tells me, "You need to get that ASAP and play it, so that you can be one of the cool gamers that get everything right away." I play the game and skip homework. I beat the game yet I get nothing accomplished with school.
A big example of this when my friend got me hooked on Final Fantasy XI. I have no idea why I bought that game. Maybe I just wanted to socialize a bit. Maybe because it was the "it" thing to do back then. But goddamn, I spent so much money. I had to buy FFXI which was $100. I even had to buy a used Playstation 2 from Ebay (a wonderful store full of goodies and delights). And that was $90. So I spent close to $200 on stuff I don't need. I could have saved that money on something much better, something MUCH MUCH BETTER. I'm such a bastard when it comes to money. I buy so much pointless stuff online. I'm going to tally up my total from three years ago and see where my money went (movies, games, XXX -"Yes I watch porn. And fuck you if you criticize me on watching something that will inevitably happen in my lifetime or the next. Plus I'm not addicted to it like some people. I only watch it once in a while.").
I'm ranting. I know. I just hate it how things came to be you know? I wish I would have done things differently. Changed my outlook beginning from high school. Apply for scholarships, apply to dozens of colleges, register for honors classes. If I had done better in high school or wasn't a pussy all the time, then maybe things would be different. Maybe I would have a job. Maybe I would have graduated on my 4th year at college. Maybe I would give a damn when an opportunity passes me by.
Hmph..........I make it sound like I have the worst life period. And I don't. I just don't appreciate what I have in life. I can't make the best of a bad situation.
Just why didn't I pass ACS168 or speech class freshman year? GODDAMMIT!!!